I experienced many things during my trip. I went without water for a while, but then water finally hit me. They told me at one point that I drank water, then threw it in my face and looked disgusted. So, basically, I fell back to normal consciousness, drank the water, and they filled it back up. I was back to another realm, a different dimension. My mind was not in my body anymore. They said I disgustedly threw water in my face and was gone again. Someone had left the building.
I feel sorry that they had to witness that and almost feel what I was going through. I was naked in front of all of them, and they were seeing what I felt on the complete inside of my heart. All the praying and positive things couldn't help me let go of the situation. She slept with him, and he slept with her. The lies, the deception, everything was still weighing me down. Hence my original aversion to not want to trip, especially not with both of their energies surrounding my soul. There would be no escaping the inevitable. It happened five hours after the trip. Maybe the weed made me paranoid because, honestly, I love them. I made peace with them. I had forgiven them, and I had shown everyone what true friendship is. When faced with what I feel is the hardest thing to face, I broke through the chains. I woke myself up and understood why it was happening. I had broken many of my self-destructive habits such as over masturbation, late-night binge eating, hot-tempered comments, general negativity, lack of faith, and probably other things. I had become at peace.
But the day before, a bunch of things brought a lot of negative feelings back into my mind, letting them seep into my soul and poison my thinking. This is the person I still regard as my true love. The person I want to spend eternity with. I wouldn't know why she wouldn't want to share time with me. But that's where I get wrapped in my own ego, always thinking about myself. Maybe she doesn't possess the same feelings towards me. Maybe she does. But at that particular moment in time, she was thinking something else. She wasn't thinking about us. She was thinking about what she wanted, what someone else wanted. I was out of the picture, far from thought. That hurt. That reverberated throughout my body, my soul, my existence, my being.
Secondly, another friend told me what he said about me. I don't think that friend would lie, and I didn't really egg him into anything. He brought all of this up on his own, free from my poisoned thought. Anyway, my friend told me that he had asked what was special about me, why was she with ME? There was nothing great about me. Anyone deserved her. It ate away inside of me. He was someone I regarded as a brother. I know he had already slept with her, and I was over that. But it hit a different chord. But it hit a different chord. He wasn't just taking her. He was taking my life away from me. He was planting seeds in all my relations with the outside world. I know this is over-exaggerated, but this is what I felt. This is my paranoid delusion. This is where my mind went, and this is where it didn't want to go. This is why I lost myself - the split, the split was within me. The person was waiting to emerge, crying for attention deep down inside me. I was hurt. I'm hurt. This hurts.
