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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Spontaneous Meditation

If I was looking at an Alex Grey pictorial of myself, I think my light would be set to dim right now.  I love you all so much.  It's just the dark days we must break through.

We must all fill the empty spaces within ourselves, not with drugs or deception, but with love.  There's a big void in all of us, that's why we live our lives the way we do.  It finally hit me hard enough that it woke something up inside of me.  I wasn't treating you the same way I was treating you 3 years ago.  We kind of set our emotions on cruise control, took each other for granted.

I think if anything, I must thank you for finally making me believe.  I now have faith in, well I'm not sure what yet.  That'll take time.  I'm not magical, extraordinary, telepathic, yet at 2 AM, I cried in your bed and knew something was wrong.  In the back of my head I knew, but my thoughts said you were "hurt."   A force, with a greater power than I ever imagined, opened up inside me.  

Around 6, I didn't know what to think anymore, what was I feeling, how come I never experienced this before.  My mind wouldn't let me leave my body to really see what was wrong.  So, I smoked salvia divinorum, knowing I could go somewhere else.  But it wasn't somewhere else.  It took me to only what I could describe as something along the lines of my own spirit showing me what my mind didn't want to believe.  "She" opened up a portal in my mind and forced me to believe.  It was crushing to my mind, but my spirit already knew.  It's something I never wish upon you or anyone (the feelings I experienced).  When I witnessed what I described to you last night, extreme devastation overcame my mind and body. I know I'll never be able to duplicate this exact experience, I don't think it's really the true intention of the drug, maybe it had nothing to do with the drug at all.  Why was I showed this?  Who was showing it to me?  Why now?  Why did it have to be this?  Why did it have to hurt?

It hurt because I've been avoiding it for my entire life.  For 24 years, I didn't think the world could be the way it was if there was some greater power.  Now I realize, that the "power" is there for those who choose to use it.  There is a connection between you and me, a connection between me and others.  We chose to ignore all those connections and just live a free life, void of anything spiritually meaningful.

I still had no desire to sleep last night, my body was tired, but something was keeping me up.  So I figured I would go outside even though it was raining.  I always had good times with my dog walking in the rain and never minded getting a little wet in the city on my walk to or from school.  Watching the lightning, closing my eyes, I started to meditate.  I wasn't thinking about anything.  I was hearing the thunder, feeling the rain hit my body.  I felt alive.  Something just made me smile, I was overcome with extreme joy.  My strongest bonds were scarred, but I don't think they are gone.  I know they aren't gone because I finally recognized the most important bond(s).  The bond with this greater power and the bond with myself.  I'm starting to think without one, you can't have the other, so it's technically one in the same.  Tears (of joy) were running down my face.  I was laughing, kind of like a madman because I could finally say I have faith in something that isn't a tangible object.  If someone would have told me this was the only way I would ever be able to truly love, to be able to love myself, I would have told them I would rather be dead.  Why would anyone want to go through this?

We have to go through it.  It's opening both of our eyes.  We weren't being true to each other.  We weren't being true to ourselves.  We all want(ed) to destroy ourselves, destroy everything around us.  Why not destroy the most sacred thing between any of us?


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