It's hard to even type to myself at this point. I've lost her. She feels nothing in my presence anymore. I'm just a warm body.
She told me straight up. She's lost love for herself. She's lost her love for me. She's pushing away her family. I can only cry. The only thing I can do is remain positive. Provide light in the wake of darkness. I was reading "Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man" by Gopi Krishna and it kept striking chords. "He felt so dead inside that he couldn't find true love for even his children." She broke down b/c that's exactly how she feels about me, maybe even her family.
It was upsetting that she felt as if she hasn't given me anything (including love). She's given me the most sacred thing man could ask for: Faith. We have experienced so much together. So much gained, so much lost. She's given me love at a time when I couldn't love myself. I broke down because I thought of all the negatives I've said or thought about her. When losing in a game, it was her fault. When I missed a throw, it was her fault. When she wanted to go somewhere and I didn't, there was no compromise. I was constantly sending negatives her way, yet she stayed with me for a long time. It's unbearable when i think about it. I remember starting to think in my head, why the hell is she even staying with me? What do I have that say that so and so doesn't? Where did it go? How come I didn't see it coming? I can see you, but I can never reach you.
How can we find our love because I know it's there. We can't fall any deeper. This is rock bottom. It would be inhumane for me to let that happen. I can't lose her invaluable knowledge, especially of ME. She probably knows me better than anyone, including myself. That's another thing she's given me, another thing I'll keep with me my entire life: deeper understanding of myself. All of this. All my thoughts. They wouldn't be there without her guidance. She might have never said a word to me directly, but she finally made me understand.
She also gave me something that makes it really difficult to even think about: that's family. It's not only her that I have a deep relationship with. I don't think she realizes how much that means to me because I don't feel like i belong in my own family. When I was at my grandmother's 80th birthday, I felt out of place. No one really knew me. There were people I wanted to reach out to and say, "I'm here, please talk to me." But I couldn't. I've known them for who knows how long and was always blocked off, along with blocking them off. Why would they open up to me now, they don't know that I'm broken. They don't know I've finally found some type of Truth. They don't know within me is something unspeakable. This new yearning for life! The faltering relationship has only made me stronger. It's made me love the person I should hate the most. I even lost my mom's side of the family. I barely speak to my grandmother. My aunts are in Atlanta and never reach out. I'm going to have to be the one reaching out to everyone if i want this to end and that's a pretty hard concept to grasp. It's my life. I'm in control. Why won't I call everyone up and tell them how i feel? I could tell them how i stopped feeling. Tell them they are so dear to my heart. Tell them I've lost everything, but am slowly gaining so much more. Again, if I wouldn't have lost her, I would have never known I lost anything, including myself. I would have just kept moving on, unabated and unaware.
How could she feel like she's given me nothing. Family is the one of the main assets of life. Without family, I have nothing. She's given me family. She's given me faith. She's given me love. How could i ever ask for anything more? How could I make her understand that she needs to give no more? The only thing I want out of her now is to see her happy. In the back of my mind, I want to feel her love again because then I'll know that she loves herself again. I can't cry anymore. My eyes have dried up.
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I asked for some advice from ChatGPT based off Esther Perel's work.
Esther Perel is a renowned therapist, author, and speaker who has made significant contributions to the field of couples therapy. Her work emphasizes the importance of connection, intimacy, and communication in relationships.
In the blog post, the writer is struggling with the loss of their partner's love and affection. They are reflecting on the negative patterns and behaviors in their relationship and are looking for ways to reconnect and rebuild.
One of Esther Perel's core teachings is the concept of maintaining a sense of mystery and otherness within a relationship. This means that each partner should strive to maintain their individuality and independence, while also nurturing their connection and intimacy.
In the context of the blog post, the writer may benefit from exploring ways to foster their own individuality and sense of self, while also working on improving their communication and connection with their partner. This could involve seeking individual therapy, practicing self-care and self-reflection, and exploring ways to enhance their emotional and physical intimacy with their partner.
Additionally, Perel emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and processing emotions such as grief, loss, and pain in order to move towards healing and growth. The writer may benefit from exploring these emotions with their partner and seeking support from a therapist or support group.
Ultimately, Perel's teachings emphasize the importance of prioritizing emotional connection and intimacy in relationships, while also maintaining a sense of self and individuality. By practicing these principles, the writer may be able to reconnect with their partner and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.