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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Bad Trip???

A precursor to the text. I had taken psychedelic mushrooms earlier in the day. Not that much. Enough to feel loose but not enough to really trip. I then smoked Salvia divinorum later in the night. All of this while in the presence of two people that had betrayed my trust to the nTh degree. I would never suggest or recommend anyone ingest psychedelics while dealing with such complex emotions and being in a state of such vulernability. Even though I had started writing, I was still bottling everything up and didn't realize this combination of drugs would shatter my reality. On to the show...

In my "dream-like" state, which I'm slowly starting to realize, I was actually wide awake on the couch. That's why I have many visions involving all the people that were with me. The manifest realm of the senses and the Salvia realm intertwined, making the visions confusing for someone that wasn't ready to dive headfirst into the most sacred of repressions latent inside the unconscious. I went through a lot of deep, dark emotions that most people never want to encounter.

It was a weird situation. I was seeing how psychology, the study of the mind, woke up inside of me. I would say, "Alright, who slept with Her?" Little did I know that I think I was saying this out loud (in the manifest) and no one knew the context of the situation going playing in my mind (in the salvia realm). It was my test, my awakening. I realized so many people need help and inside of me, I have the power to help. I just needed something to trigger it. Unfortunately, it was my girlfriend sleeping with my best friend, and that was something I was coping with. To me, She was symbolized as Mother Earth. Everything around Her was dead. It started with me dying, then He would die, then another friend would collapse. Then a cluster-effect reverberated throughout all the connections each of us had made. Visions of people of the past flushed my mind. I had seen people I hadn't seen in years, maybe decades. Her brother was the last to die, which finally killed Her, ending it all.

She was Mother Earth. Her fertility had ceased, and the sun could no longer be fed its necessary nutrients from Mother Earth, and from the people on it. This was all the way my brain was coping with the people who were surrounding my aura. Deep down, I knew I wasn't ready to trip. I am still hurting, almost in denial of what happened. But I'm not in complete denial. I accepted it and forgave (or so I thought?). I went through my own death. "I am dead..."

The visions sweeping across my mind of Her in her blue jeans, white parka-type shirt, black bra underneath. I saw myself as a semi-immortal in my dream state. Her deception meant we weren't to have kids. We were no longer going to be immortal together. Mother Earth was hurting. She had slept with another man, killing something inside of me, killing Her will to reproduce. This is all in my head, so I need to find the symbolical connections with what I was seeing and why I was seeing this. If at first, you don't succeed, try again for me.

I'm trying to remember when the "break" from reality happened. It started with the commercial, I think. "Everyone has a story. Everyone is hurting," and it just seemed so superficial. I think it hit me that I was another story, a life, a different chapter, something else for people to talk about.

"The ego always speaks first. It is capricious and does not mean its maker well. The ego is not part of you. You made the ego without love, so with the ego, you cant love." (A Course in Miracles)

Maybe it was part of my ego being destroyed. It hurt because I had relied on it for so long, holding on to things that I needed to share with others.


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