I was immortal. She was my spring of life. Him sleeping with her poisoned the waterfall. My flow of energy with her. My life source! I was now drinking contaminated water. The weight of her, of earth, came crashing into consciousness. It all hit me at once. I still dont want to lose her, but realize I need to let those fears go. I can't live in fear of loss my entire life. I was in such need of genuine attention. My ego needed to be fed but now it's destroyed.
I eventually saw my own death. It was by a shotgun to my face. My energy was flowed back into Earth. I became a part of everyone I had ever made contact with. Images of people, everyone, came to me in a milli-second, all flying by the dimension my mind needed to go to. I thought of people I haven't even contemplated in my mind in years. I was content with my life becayse I realized how precious life really is. Every death brings great pain to someone in the world, but in the vision, I also saw how it helps us all grow.
We were all immortals and someone had spoiled one of the god's energy sources. It wouldn't hurt this much if I didnt love both of them so much. This is the most integral lesson of this journey through death. I'll say it again. It wouldn't be so painful if it wasn't for love. Ny recent surpression of ego all came crashing down on me. The search for myself brought every thing to the surface. Am I becoming more content with who I am? I'm beginning to let all my past experiences start to shape the present. It will only make me stronger by understanding my feelings of wanting to die. I was losing part of myself. It wasn't just losing her.
The new realizations inside of me, they brought someone else out. I threw some of the negative baggage I was keeping inside. I had four wonderful people looking over me in my most vulnerable state. It's not what i wanted, but it was what I needed. All of their attention became transfixed on my insanity. To me, it was transcendence though. I wish they could have witnessed all i saw. The places through time i visited (the sphinx, niagra falls, trying to find the root cause of salvia) but it wasn't really salvia, it was finding the root cause of where I was, a different state of consciousness. Could I get back there, but not in such a negative way? My whole essence was flowing. I could feel nothing, because there was too much inside. I lost what was normal feeling and started to evolve into something else.
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