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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Clean Up Your Own Mess

I possessed an overwhelming amount of sexual energy and was at a loss about how to manage it. Despite engaging in sexual activities with my girlfriend—whom I believed I loved—I often found myself returning home to masturbate for an additional release. The thought is almost daunting, reflecting on the mindset required for someone to spiral into self-destruction. While masturbating, I was shadowed by a sense of shame, yet my ego reveled in satisfaction. Unbeknownst to me, this was indicative of a profound disconnect between my ego and my soul: the ego found its desires fulfilled, while the soul remained suppressed.

wasting precious cosmic energy, spilled milk

Signs of the destructive nature of this alarming habit were ever-present, yet escaping the darkness, where light was tightly sealed off, seemed an insurmountable task. Pornography, too, played a significant role—it's challenging to avoid on the internet, especially on the sites I frequented. The ability to locate the precise fetish that catered to my needs felt empowering; anything and everything was readily available at my fingertips, all for free. I deceived myself into believing that frequent masturbation would enhance my stamina with my girlfriend. I became adept at identifying the signs leading up to ejaculation, convincing myself I could then relax, calm down, and control my arousal level to avoid reaching the point of no return.


For a while, I trained my PC muscle, allowing my ego to bask in the satisfaction of not merely "dribbling." It turned into a sort of game: a cycle of build-up and release, repeated endlessly, potentially for hours, culminating in a climax that sent ejaculate shooting across the room. The further it traveled, the more intense the satisfaction—but to what end?

locked in the cage of your own subconscious by hiding all your secrets

To admit I'm ashamed of these actions would barely scratch the surface. Not only did I deceive myself for years, but even as I delved into the field of psychology, my behavior remained unchallenged. I managed to convince myself there was a purpose behind it all: believing that lasting longer in bed made me a better lover, that the distance of my ejaculate would impress my partner (despite knowing she couldn't care less), and that more masturbation brought me closer to my full potential as a lover. In truth, everything I had convinced myself of was the exact opposite of reality.


My life was overwhelmingly governed by sexual desires, with all of my energy dissipating into the void. The fulfillment from sex eluded me, as I became ensnared in my personal abyss, draining my sexual energy without pause, and never allowing my body or soul the necessary time to rejuvenate. It's no surprise that sex lost its meaning; the vital energy within was utterly exhausted. This depletion extended to every facet of my life. How could I ever be true to myself when this essential cosmic energy was perpetually drained? My existence became dominated by sex; it ruled my innermost being and clouded all my thoughts.

An abstract interior room, where the walls are adorned with surreal paintings of eyes, mouths, and ears, representing the overwhelming nature of sharing and hiding secrets. In the center, a figure stands, its body fractured into floating pieces, held together by glowing threads, illustrating the disconnect between ego and soul. The room's perspective bends inward, suggesting introspection and the internal struggle of confinement within one’s own psyche

Compounding the issue, I kept this turmoil hidden, unshared with anyone. It remained my solitary burden. My friends were oblivious, and even my girlfriend, who was meant to be my other half, remained in the dark. Given that my soul was shrouded, I now understand how I could so effortlessly shield my deepest troubles from her. This secrecy gnawed at me internally, a relentless reminder from my conscience to cease, yet all the while, my distorted perceptions continued to lead me astray. I wish I could claim an extraordinary cause for my heightened libido, such as an alien abduction, as an excuse to absolve myself of responsibility for this deeply ingrained flaw that brought about profound suffering.


In moments of need, I now find myself able to share my experiences freely, aiming to assist those in search of guidance. The reactions I encounter are invariably marked by astonishment—not necessarily due to the specifics of my ordeal, but perhaps because of my willingness to share what many consider deeply personal. The liberating effect of releasing a burden long suppressed is often underestimated. Through my openness, I encourage others to reflect on their own hidden truths, those they conceal from themselves and others. However, direct confrontation won't facilitate self-reflection; it must come from within. Should they overlook the underlying message, all I can do is hope that, in time, these insights emerge from their subconscious. Sharing my innermost thoughts—once sacred to me but now set adrift in the cosmos, not confined to my being but released into the universe—serves a dual purpose. It's an act of liberation for myself and a beacon for others to learn from and reflect upon.

A hauntingly beautiful forest at twilight, where trees morph into bars of a giant, ethereal cage. Within, a transparent figure sits, holding a mask away from its face, revealing a complex labyrinth etched into its features, symbolizing the inner journey and disconnect. The forest fades into a dreamlike mist, embodying the elusive nature of self-awareness.

This act is not just a selfish unburdening; it's an invitation for others to introspect and claim the experience as their own. It's my hope that by exposing the chaos that once defined my life, someone might pause and question their own actions: "What am I doing with my energy? Where is it all going?" This call to look inward and confront what we've been avoiding is not a forced march, but a voluntary journey, hand in hand, eye to eye. Dismiss the weight of shame, for it's a hurdle we all must, or have already, overcome. Guilt, too, shall pass—do not let it deter you. It's merely the ego protesting its impending loss of dominion. It will soon be as buried as the parts of yourself you've hidden away. Learn to distinguish between the desires of the ego and the truths of the soul.


The path I've chosen for my personal growth might not be suitable for everyone. To rise above the pain I've inflicted upon myself and to fully address the deceit I've harbored, I've found that abstaining from both sex and masturbation is essential (for now). Confronting these truths head-on forces me to question how I could revert to seeking pleasure in ways that aren't grounded in genuine love. The question of whether I'll engage in sexual activities again isn't my focus. If it becomes relevant, I'll face it at that time. For now, my journey doesn't encompass this. Progressing by releasing these behaviors only to regress by indulging in them again seems counterproductive.

An intricate, metaphorical cage made of mirrors and shadows, housing a silhouette that stands at the crossroads of converging paths symbolizing choices and inner conflicts. The cage is set against a backdrop of a nebulous, cosmic void, hinting at the vastness of the subconscious mind. The silhouette is partially illuminated, with one side revealing a face looking towards a crack of light, suggesting hope and the search for authenticity

It's been two to three weeks since my last sexual encounter, and I've never felt more vibrant. This change doesn't go unnoticed; people feel more at ease around me, experiencing love that radiates from my entire being, rather than being confined to physical expressions. This newfound self-love enhances my ability to extend love to others. Women respond positively to this change, but men are equally included. It highlights the importance of opening up, understanding the significance of non-sexual touch, and communicating love beyond words through the energy channeled from our fingertips.


However, not everyone is receptive to this form of connection; some may recoil. In those moments, I see reflections of my former self, unaware of the profound impact of such interactions. My aim is not about my own significance anymore; I've surrendered that aspect of my ego. Instead, my mission is to cultivate happiness in others, subtly working through their defenses to both absorb their negativity and share my positive energy. By bearing their emotional weight, I offer a trade: taking in their darkness and returning light. I have grown strong enough to transform my own negative energy into a loving, cosmic force, and I am ready to assist others in carrying their burdens. This potential lies within all of us, yet often we choose to erect barriers that prevent us from embodying pure love.

An abstract interior room, where the walls are adorned with surreal paintings of eyes, mouths, and ears, representing the overwhelming nature of sharing and hiding secrets. In the center, a figure stands, its body fractured into floating pieces, held together by glowing threads, illustrating the disconnect between ego and soul. The room's perspective bends inward, suggesting introspection and the internal struggle of confinement within one’s own psyche

So is abstinence for you? I have no idea, I've never met you. I am only letting you know what is working, right now, on the current journey. My love is no longer festering inside. It's freely flowing at all times: in and out to people, to plants, to nature, to animals, to plants, to things beyond our wildest imagination. Telling the universe, the higher power, the authority, the creator, infinity:


I am surrendering to the ebb and flow.

There is no where else to go.

Just please let my family know

I have emerged from the shadow

Digging out of the great below

Tired of staying at a plateau

Someday we'll all have this glow.


Dancing has served as a transformative outlet for sublimating this intense energy, merging all aspects of my being into a harmonious unity. It fosters a dynamic flow of energy in every direction, blurring the lines between the dancer and the dance, until the music itself seems to take the lead. In these moments, the dance transcends mere physical movement, awakening a powerful, cosmic force that sustains even when the music fades. This energy sharpens thoughts, imbuing them with clarity, divinity, and love. Such profound experiences are not guaranteed with every step I take; they emerge spontaneously, unbidden by expectation.

A personified depiction of the soul and ego as two figures locked in an embrace, floating in an endless, star-filled void. The soul, depicted as luminous and free-formed, attempts to reach out beyond a transparent barrier, symbolizing self-imposed limitations, while the ego, more rigid and adorned with masks, clings tightly, afraid of what lies beyond. The backdrop is a cosmic canvas, suggesting the infinite potential trapped within.

Expecting these moments of enlightenment is akin to projecting desires into the future, an act driven by the ego's attempt to shape the unformable. True enlightenment is effortless, beyond the reach of forced intention or deliberate thought—it simply exists. While I hope others can sense the love and energy I radiate, I recognize that such desires stem from ego, seeking validation from external sources. The real magic happens when I concentrate on my inner experience and the energies around me, without fixating on the impressions I leave on others. If they do resonate with my energy, it's a welcomed addition, but the focus remains on my personal journey and the energies directed towards me.


Constant concern for others' reactions can detract from the genuine beauty of this transcendence. Admittedly, there's a fine line between self-focus for personal growth and egocentricity, a balance between what benefits me and what benefits others. However, since embarking on this journey—initiated by the transformative encounter with sage salvia—I've grown to understand that everything I do is aimed at the greater good. This path isn't about selfishly crafting my reality but contributing positively to humanity and the divine.


From the moment the sage Salvia catalyzed a profound shift within me, forcing me into a state of surrender, I've been motivated by a sense of greater purpose, aspiring to contribute to the collective well-being of humanity and the divine, rather than merely manifesting my personal desires. Our journey towards self-discovery and the depletion of delusions not only benefits us individually but also serves the greater community. Enlightenment loses its value if kept hidden; it must be expressed and shared to foster a collective awakening. The realization that I was the obstacle blocking the flow of my own energy has been a painful but necessary revelation, marking my commitment to open-heartedness and detachment from self-conceived identities.


Now, five months into this reawakening, I perceive myself as newly born, liberated from the constraints previously imposed by societal expectations. The experiences of the past 25 years have not been rendered meaningless; rather, they have laid the groundwork for my current state of being—authentically myself, unburdened by external definitions. This narrative is a declaration of freedom, an affirmation that while gravity may confine my physical form, my soul remains boundless, ever-ready to rise and expand.

This post was written on December 20, 2006 and edited March 25, 2024.

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