I am still having feelings of overwhelming love. I want to reach out and touch everything. I now know that I am an invaluable source of knowledge, as is everyone else. We all grew up in the same environment (Earth). We have different biological makeups, and we've interpreted our environment differently through our own lenses. Now it's time to start putting all that together. It's time to understand the meaning of life and cohesiveness through friendship. I wish I could see everyone all the time, but then I realize that when you don't see people every day, the time you have together becomes precious. It doesn't seem mundane anymore.
I spoke to a good friend yesterday, and we discussed things we should have talked about long before, since we are both intertwined in long-term relationships. Different experiences, but the same results. I learned things about their relationship that I never knew before: going a month without talking to their lover, which caused a bubbling of anger within him. It made me realize how utterly confused we both are. The realization that we have to give each other space to breathe. The spark was gone in both relationships. We both can't really understand this. How could you keep that spark alive for six years? 10 years? 20? 50? Once you lose it, how do you get the spark back? Where the hell did it go? Then, in my mind, I realized that being spiritually closed off turned off the lights. Once I became dim, then light stopped reflecting back in all of my relationships. How could I expect honesty in my interpersonal relationships when intrapersonally, I had lied to myself for years.
I want to figure out the world of relationship introversion. It's part of life to make connections with everyone who surrounds you. I failed to see this in my most intimate relationship. I failed to see the importance of surrounding myself with friends, family, and community to utilize their importance in receiving support, giving them support, and knowing that I can't be the only support for someone, and one person can't be the foundation of my life. I'm in full understanding of this now, and I hope it isn't too late (newsflash: it was). I still know Maria loves me, and I know I love her, so only time will tell. Mikey said I can't hang on to that forever though, I can't just wait around for a year, hoping... but I'm also not one to just go out and fuck... but oh, I do wish I could do that...
Through the experience with MDMA, I started to understand the importance of TOUCH as well. A friend said it previously that sometimes they feel the need to be touched. It is a wonderful thing. Last night, I desperately wanted to be touched but didn't want to impose on anyone. The word for this type of drug is entactogenic. I don't know if she could "feel" that I needed to be touched or if she was just in need herself, but she reached out to me and touched my hand. It still felt so good as the lingering effects of the drug persisted days later. I was able to send my soul through my fingers; it felt mildly orgasmic to unify in such a precious manner. It swept visions of hugging him and not letting go, which invoked a memory of how good it felt to rub their head and see the ecstatic nature of their being. It's something that will be etched in memory forever and something I probably would have been ashamed of years ago.
So she said I was different, not the same person during and after the experience on MDMA. I agreed and continue to agree!
1) Spiritually open! Spiritually alive! In tune with more of my body than I used to be.
2) Free loving, free touching, free everything. I still continue to feel this openness.
3) Open to new ideas. Wanting to feed off of other people's energy and not pour myself into one person.
4) Flowing, flowing, flowing. An endless reservoir of energy became available, and I chose to grab it. It sent waves through my body. I wish to attain this without the help of a drug.
5) My whole mentality has changed. I want her to be happy, but understand that I'm not the only person she could achieve that with. She needs the help of all humans. One person is not enough to heal. She needs to be at internal peace again, to appease her inner god. If letting go means letting go of me, I'll accept that. I already do accept it.
6) Looking at myself and understanding that I wasn't content with myself for 24 years, and finally I'm becoming who I want to be and who I was meant to be. I'm intertwined in all of these people's lives, yet I chose not to openly be free. Basically, I closed them off and did not let them into my psyche. Now it's all free-flowing. I'm not going to hold back, not going to lie to someone in order to protect them, protect myself, or protect anyone else.
