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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Friendly Repression

She kept saying, "Baby, what's wrong?" with her hand on my shoulder. My reply was, "You killed me! You were the one thing that would make me die. You've slept with someone else and destroyed my immortality (through fertility)." As this realization came to fruition, I slowly started to become part of the ground, with my hand raised. I told her it would be alright, but that life would now cease to exist (an indicator of our now dying relationship). Now, that was all in the Salvia dream-consciousness. The weird part is, she said she uttered those exact words (I think) to me. Although it was daytime in the dream, nighttime in real life. I call it a dream, but I know it wasn't a dream. It was my mind projecting scenarios, providing light into my repressions. "He's too intense." Well, I haven't been intense enough, not with myself at least.

After talking to another friend about it, they think I'm going really easy on them. I could tell my friend was really shaken up about it. I want to be part of something; I wish I didn't introvert to the point of implosion. I know he could feel/see/hear my pain. The pain was echoing through my soul, up into my voice box, and being reverberated through their ears. It's time they start taking some responsibility for their putrid act of indecency. I was only explaining my side of the story, probably more for myself to hear it than anything. I told him the situation will remain unresolved, unsettled in my mind until the right people know about it (family!). It's easy to tell the group of friends about it because they'll judge, they'll come to figure it out, they'll make their assumptions, but they don't have any emotional connection. It's the easy way out. Let's start to tell people who love me and who love her. I hold the power to essentially destroy them. Did he think I would shrivel up, wither away to nothing? Did he not expect the awakening of my soul, my mind, my entire existence? Of course, I still displace a lot of my anger because I know what a fragile state she is in. I couldn't articulate that too well.

If it were that easy, I would do it. I want to do it, but at the same time, I can't. It's an intertwined web of existence: routine, habit, almost my entire life, how I enjoy living. She is part of me, and I a part of her. She made a horrible mistake, and we both made horrible mistakes. We stopped communicating, caring about ourselves, we weren't happy with where we were at, we were getting mixed signals from each other, sex was just sex and soulless. I would go home and masturbate after having sex sometimes, not even realizing what I was doing, not even thinking about the repercussions it was causing in my psyche. I was soulless, and I was probably helping create that void within her, and unconsciously, she could probably sense and feel that. A higher power was not a part of our relationship, and maybe it finally needed to intervene and say, "If you want this relationship to last, you are going to have to start accepting yourself, accepting me." There is no marriage without it. There is no true existence without understanding the Almighty, whatever that means. People could obviously function on the materialistic level their entire lives, but on the inside, they are nothing. They are truly devils in their hearts. They are lying to themselves that they are happy. How can I be happy constantly deceiving, concealing from myself and others? We all share this planet. As a species, we are one. But that's not how these capitalistic Neanderthals function. Their perception of life is completely different. They pray to the money god, the object they feel brings them happiness.

Well, you know what? My happiness is coming from within me. When I pray for friends and family, that makes me feel really good inside. I feel like I'm sending a message that these people mean something to me. They are my brothers and sisters. I only prayed for them because I know how important they could be in my life, how important I could be in their lives. I hope it turns out well.

I do know that there is a special place in my heart for her. I will never forget her. I think we helped each other through our speaking. She was the first woman I started to have feelings for. She opened up a synapse in my soul, my brain that allowed me to eventually show my true feelings about a year later. Without her, there may have never been the relationship.

I envision myself hugging her and telling her I'm sorry, telling her I never want to deceive, to conceal, or to make her a part of that. It's so long ago, so it's weird even thinking about it now. But she was someone, at some point, that I dearly cared for, that I would impose my wisdom upon her developing mind. I was still developing too. I was spiritually non-existent, and had a complete lack of understanding of the word faith. Faith is what I believe to be one of the most powerful words in the English language. Without faith, what do we have? Without faith, we are all dead. Without faith, I don't need to keep moving on. Without faith, I am nothing more than another fixture on earth. I am not human.

I don't think she really wants to understand if I just packed it up, left for good. That's the equivalent of leaving your child with a child molester. That's pretty harsh, but over time, he wouldn't be the person I wanted to rely on. Maybe in the beginning, the honeymoon stage...but I don't think so. He can speak of God, speak of faith...but he's deceiving himself. He's committed murder in all degrees possible. He completely obliterated whatever relationship we had. He completely messed up her (and my) head, and that's what I guess I'm most pissed about. I can't leave her now. She would go down the spiral faster than me. She would hit rock bottom. It might do her good, but I'm not sure she would be able to cope with telling her family the truth, telling them she threw it all away...and for what?

But I'm glad I got to tell my friend. He's the first "friend" I got to tell first. I think just my saying it caused hatred. I told him I'm sorry I had to tell him, but I was also sorry I didn't tell him earlier. He wants me to lay him out, beat the shit out of him. He said he'll come with me. He wants to knock him. He wants others to know, create an angry mob of sorts. This is the power I hold. This is the power I refuse to use. Although I think he deserves it, I know part of me wouldn't want me to cause such unnecessary, yet understandable pain upon someone. If he isn't feeling any emotional, metaphysical, spiritual pain, then he doesn't even deserve the time of day. He has to find himself, be content with who he is, live his own life. I'm tired of having that attachment. I think I carry enough already. I don't need a fucking leech, sucking my soul out, bringing negativity to a positive situation, not wanting to have fun, bringing the vibe down. Why would I want to go back to that? That was part of the destruction, part of my demise. I've figured it out. Now it's time he does (and maybe he is).

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