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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Hey God, Why am I seething with this animosity?

Everyone around us wants the easy way out. They don't want to think there is a stronger bond than what they can physically see. They want us to give up on each other, they want us to fall into the mold of our riddled society. They want our faith to be shattered. They think they know everything about humans as a whole because we haven't branched out sexually, we will never be satisfied. They think it was just sex, all about sex, dominating. They want me to say that I'm never going to speak to either of you again because that is what they are accustomed to in their own lives, their experiential experiences. Why would I (you) be different than the standard? There has always been a stigma attached to our relationship. Now that it has lasted this long, people want it to crumble, not slowly, but like a ton of bricks. It's harder for them to handle the news because there isn't a tragic ending (not Shakespearean yet). There wasn't a breakup, there wasn't a fight. There was something different. An understanding deeper in our minds, an awakening in the depths of our hearts, a strain with our current societal mores. Everyone wants some type of split because that's the easy way out. It makes it easier to move on, to forget, to cast away emotional attachment. But between all of us, there is something that won't let that happen. That's what empowers my own being, knowing we all have a special connection with each other, the triangular magnetism, which if put together, shines a light that only God and his children could see.

Unfortunately, deep down, there are still repressed emotions within myself. There is still society, my super ego, telling me this is all wrong, speaking clearly that the past month, our future, is all an elaborate dream, not what was supposed to happen. When people press on that, hit my internal button, it rushes my body with emotions, takes me back to crying, wanting all the pain to end. It puts an enormous strain on my conscious thinking. It essentially takes all the unconscious and mixes it with the conscious, making me utterly confused. I'm finding there are different avenues, such as typing my thoughts, which allow me to break the confusion and understand why this is happening within me. I know God is watching over me, watching over all of us, because without him in the beginning, I wouldn't have been able to cope. I probably would have taken the 'leave and forget them' attitude. I would have never gained feeling back. I would have continued on the destructive path of self-guilt.

Some were essentially telling me to give up, to say, "Fuck Them, they are assholes." They were telling me, for their own selfish reasons that they wanted us to lose faith in each other. If I lost faith in myself, in you, where would that lead me? Down a path of destruction, mostly to myself, of abhorrent behaviors. I could start to not feel anything again, semi-sociopathic, I could develop any personality trait I felt necessary to cope. Because within my mind, I know them front to back, I don't need someone else to tell me what I'm feeling, what psychological phenomenon I'm experiencing. I already know, and that was why I know I was dead inside a few months ago. I knew all of this was happening at a level below the conscious. I could see a little asterisk in the DSM manual. I didn't care. I knew I was eating late at night, masturbating to fill the void that was becoming my life but I didn't want to help myself. It's quite shameful but it was undeniably part of my life. I'm quite upset and embarrassed with myself. I should have been stronger. That being said, I do accept this is the path I was granted and I'm content with that now.

Understand, that I'm speaking from a state of confusion. I only care to let others know in case they are going through something similar. It's a tad selfish but I'd rather you know you aren't alone. Writing is cathartic as it's helping bring the unconscious forward.


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