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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Molecular Journey of Love

My original writings were discussing others so I'm editing it as to reflect on why I was using others as the mirror of my own experience. This entry is 2023 me re-writing something 25 year old me wrote. It was one of the ways I was processing the dissolution of old habits and emergence of a whole new me.

The Midjourney prompts were all based on the title of this post.

One of my close friends was openly cheating on their partner right in front of my face. This was still triggering, and rightfully so. It disappoints me that I was merely enraged with their actions but didn't interject. As a friend, I was being protective of their ego by not telling them to stop that behavior. At this point in my life, I was still broken, and watching this unfold was still tearing at my fragile heart. What really blows my mind reading this back is that this individual knew the circumstances I was in. I was completely open and honest about how destroyed I was, yet they couldn't see that they were quite possibly doing the same thing to their partner, the one they claimed they loved. If one of your good friends got cheated on and had their ego blasted into millions of pieces, wouldn't you be able to internalize that and think twice about doing that to them (and more importantly, doing that to yourself)?

The point of my blog and exposing my story isn't so people feel bad for me or hate anyone involved. It's so you can see how your actions reverberate out into the cosmos. Your choices have real-life implications and have a rippling effect throughout everyone in your circle of life. I ask you to look at your Words, Actions, and Thoughts and Center them upon your Heart. It's a lesson from my guru's guru, who we'll get to later. The acronym is WATCH, and I'm positive there is an entry highlighting its simplicity and grace later on down the line.

I can see that I was extremely angry with my friend's actions because the actions were an appeasement of sexual urges. They were centered in the wrong brain. They were thinking with their dick. Then, to me, they became a dickhead. I wasn't quite aware at the time, but I'm aware now that the atrocities I typed about them were really a reflection of me. If the reflection I was seeing was a dickhead, then that's what I was at that moment in time too. From my point of view, the act of sex is what destroyed me, but really, sex was only the catalyst to the dissolution. When we look back at wars, there is always a specific event that was the catalyst, but the war was brewing long before.

Now, if this wasn't enough, another friend spiraled into madness before my very eyes. At the time, I didn't realize it, but their partner had cheated on them, and they went into this manic madness. I was called over, for reasons I can't explain other than knowing her but being an outsider. At the height of their mania, they were convinced that God was sending them signs. I don't think they were wrong, per se, but their conceptualization of God was external, so the message was encrypted for them. They would see the number three flash by on the TV and see it as a symbol of the Holy Trinity. A 33 became 2 3s for them, a double holy trinity! Every number they saw, they were able to twist into some context that symbolized something of a delusion of grandeur. Think of all the wishes you had for your entire life suddenly becoming true in a single instant. This is what this person thought. They were pregnant with fantasies that simply weren't reality.

They had won $5 million in the lottery! They were pregnant with Ricky Ricardo's baby even! She had plans to go to a casino town, meet up with Ricky and splurge with their lottery winnings. The fantasy was really in-depth and hard to navigate what the symbolism really was. They were so lost in their own mind that attempting to navigate it myself became confusing, spinning a web of bewilderment around what I was even supposed to do. Now part of things started to click. Since her boyfriend had cheated on her, she was creating a fantasy life she wished she lived. Ricky Ricardo's baby was that she wished she stopped taking birth control and got pregnant with her boyfriend because then he wouldn't have cheated on her.

I interjected into the drama and asked, "Do you know why I am here right now?" I thought that was pretty simple and innocuous, but oh boy, was I wrong! She clicked out of the tragedy she dreamt up and came back to reality to start blaming me for everything. I was ruining her life. I was taking the father away from her baby (that didn't exist). I was trying to steal her $5 million! She inevitably called 911 on herself. She was hysterically screaming at the poor agent, proclaiming she was being held hostage and being shielded from the father of her non-existent baby. She was at the height of delusion, an extreme disconnection. In retrospect, this made it easier for her family that was present. They didn't need to call the cops on her. She did that herself. "Your day breaks, your mind aches."

This was a friend of a friend. As her friends arrived at the hospital, more of the truth came out. They were also guilty of cheating on their partner. They had an alcohol and cocaine problem. Once that was revealed, the whole mania of it makes sense if she was on a 48-hour bender of no sleep. If all of this wasn't enough, I was sitting with their sister and they started having a panic attack. This was the easiest thing of the day to deal with. Letting someone know to focus on their breath and gain control back of their rhythm. She was clearly overwhelmed with emotion. She started to blame herself for not being there for her sister. My advice was to maintain a pinpointed focus on the now. She can't go back to the past and fix what wasn't done or what has transpired. She can be here now. She was really giving herself the advice, but I was decrypting it for her.

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