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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Navigating the Psychedelic Symphony

Dancing with trees, superflat art, orphism art

I grow weary of suburbia and Manhattan. I feel trapped in capitalism. I'd really enjoy experiencing peak fall foliage in upstate New York but I'm still attached to a dying relationship, which is hindering my spontaneity. What a fool I am. I do love NYC, but it starts to take its toll on you and suck your soul dry. Most of my friends want to continue the party. I'm beginning to realize how much more I enjoy nature and less rampant binge drinking. It's probably that I'm a raw nerve right now. Any stimulus can become a flashback into the death of me. At least if I'm with trees, they'll just sway in the breeze with me. I'm struggling with trying to fit into my previous life, knowing that a whole new me has already awoken. Most personalities don't change in the blink of an eye. No one saw everything that I saw. It was hidden from me for so long too. I can't believe I never saw it.

n the light of meditation, a psychedelic demon emerges out of the body

A main concern when taking psychedelics, as opposed to exploring the unconscious through meditation, is that you really have no exit strategy once you are deep in psychedelia. In meditation, you can break your concentration, open your eyes, and only catch a tiny glimpse of what demon or angel was lurking in the shadows of your ego. It's always important to remember that your attention is mainly through the prism of ego, so you experience the world through the senses. In meditation, you pull your energy within, and suddenly, nothing at all illuminates. You are able to harness all the energy, usually dissipated through ego, and awaken what's inside. What's inside? Well, that could be scary or enlightening. In meditation, sometimes I am blessed by an angel. Other times, I am mortified by visions of a putrid hellscape. When you achieve ego loss through psychedelics, you run the risk of not knowing what's beneath the curtain. You may reveal a part of yourself long forgotten, but it's still all projections of self. That's the scariest part. The sweeping visions are still YOU. If you believe you had a bad trip and blame anything but yourself, you don't understand the inner workings of the mind. I sure didn't, and the resistance caused death to loop indefinitely. I was clueless to the fact that ego death was a natural evolution. As my soul broke through the shell of ego, instead of embracing the light, I cried in the darkness of death. Over and over.

My soul broke through the shell of ego, instead of embracing the light, I cried in the darkness of death, Transavantgarde

I still hold onto a relationship that is dead. I can see this, but I'm still appeasing the past me. I can't explain why. I think I'm afraid of being all alone. I really feel like I have no one who understands. I feel an emptiness that feels like it can't be filled. I'm too much. I'm too intense. I'm trying to work on something that is already gone, though. It's baffling. What happens with stagnant water? It starts to stink. I reek of inaction. I keep breaking down. I've cried on four separate occasions, twice at inappropriate times. Ego tries to fill me with noise, but I keep hearing the cry of my soul. Being surrounded by so many reminders of the past keeps spiraling me back into the old me, who I watched die already. So many possibilities out there, yet I am choosing to remain in the past.

I'm continuing to hold onto something that isn't even there. In my head, I say if I just give up, there is no way to get it back. The ego is tricking me into its delusion. All that's left seems to be hope. I got fucked over. I was a pathetic existence in their minds. They thought nothing of me. Why do I care about them at all?

n the light of meditation, a psychedelic demon emerges out of the body

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