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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

Split Reflections Part 1

In a drunken moment the other night, I suppose I depressed my central nervous system into a fit of confusion. I became torn between losing her and wanting her, knowing I already have lost everything.


Still having sex seems to be adding to the confusion. It has to stop if there is any chance of breaking the emotional bond. It feels good in the moment, as would be expected. Then, the thought of losing that feeling becomes equally as oppressive. Sex floods the brain with endorphins that are hard to replicate, even with drugs, or else it would be making trillions. I see a part of myself in denial. Half of me thinks it's not over but the new blossoming me knows it needs to start letting go of the past, if the future is to bloom. Old thoughts still rise to the surface, anchoring me to the past. The past has been destroyed, yet my mind is still using it to try to seduce me into the cataclysm.


Watching a movie has even stirred something up inside of me that flowed into a stream of tears. I started to think about not being with her anymore, losing my baby. It all really hurts. Thinking of it erupts a sea of tears. I should be able to tell in the future if I ever attach to love again because if it doesn't hurt like this, it means I'm only lying to myself. A part of me thinks I would never wish this pain upon anyone else, but it undeniably helps you in the crash course of life. It is forcing me to understand things about myself, understand concepts about my environment, and recognize flaws in our society as a whole. There is a deception of divorce crippling our country into a split and I am not above this. I live this too.


I wanted to be different than my parents. I wanted to make a choice that would last a lifetime. I wanted eternity but my behaviors forced me down the exact path they may have walked. I have been extremely depressed, agitated, irritated, sad, destructive, ambivalent to my emotions, carefree, lost, and sociopathic. Essentially everything a loving individual DOESN'T want to be. I didn't have god on my side because I chose to reject it. So I have lost her but I've gained god, whatever that may mean. Now that I've found myself, understood a higher power, spun my negative thoughts into positive ones, I've already lost what I find most dear to my heart. Why do I place such significance on her?


It's hard to make complete sense of this barrage of thoughts and emotions. I didn't choose to find god by losing her, but maybe it was my plan all along? If I externalize god, then I would say that god chose to awaken me now, knowing it was the right time, as it was the only way to survive. But am I separate from god? My free will would then be of no consequence. If it was my choice, I would be dead.

I wanted to be different than my parents. I wanted to make a choice that would last a lifetime. I wanted eternity but my behaviors forced me down the exact path they may have walked. I have been extremely depressed, agitated, irritated, sad, destructive, ambivalent to my emotions, carefree, lost, and sociopathic. Essentially everything a loving individual DOESN'T want to be. I didn't have god on my side because I chose to reject it. So I have lost her but I've gained god, whatever that may mean. Now that I've found myself, understood a higher power, spun my negative thoughts into positive ones, I've already lost what I find most dear to my heart. Why do I place such significance on her?


It's hard to make complete sense of this barrage of thoughts and emotions. I didn't choose to find god by losing her, but maybe it was my plan all along? If I externalize god, then I would say that god chose to awaken me now, knowing it was the right time, as it was the only way to survive. But am I separate from god? My free will would then be of no consequence. If it was my choice, I would be dead.

I died the second I understood the poison surrounding my existence, the enigmatic flood of the unconscious. It was overbearing. It felt like I was in the heart of a castle, knowing it was crumbling above me, but I chose for months, possibly years to live in that castle, all alone. I was watching more bricks fall, more barren walls, with less choices to make. I was with people but living an emotional life of solitude. Luckily for me, a brick was to land square on my head and it temporarily knocked me out but then became the catalyst to awaken.


When I awoke, the true me was set to emerge from the darkness, spiritual embodiment had arisen. I was getting a second chance, a rebirth. This time with guide. I had the choice to reject this guidance from within but am choosing to embrace it. If there's anyone I should be able to trust, it's this god within me. It is there as a guiding light, not an egotistical human being. I could always trust god as long as I could trust myself. I lost trust in the two people I trusted the most. It made me question my own interpretation of reality. It made me question trusting myself. It went from complete trust and understanding to an unrelenting confusing, boiling anger, demonic hatred, suicidal sadness, a death valley of depression, and a seemingly insurmountable strain.


The problem I'm now facing is I could snap into any of these moods with the push of a button. Anything can really set me off. I'm a raw nerve exposed to the whole world. I found being around them generally shocked me into the hatred/anger section of my psyche, which was becoming difficult for all of us, especially me. I had picked up the phone to his voice and could feel the physiological change immediately. My heart started to beat so fast it felt like it was going to rip out of my chest. The only thing I could do was surrender by kneeling on the ground, put my face into my hands, and cry. It was like squeezing hatred through my bloodstream. My whole body FELT it. I imagined myself in a hospital bed with a nurse squeezing an IV of hatred into me. It was seeping into my heart. I had to start taking really deep breaths to calm myself down.

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