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  • Writer's pictureRadiantDarkness

The Inevitable Return

After realizing that I still had to hide my words in front of others because they were unaware of months of my life, and I still didn't feel it was my place to tell them due to their association with everyone involved, lots of negative emotions started to overwhelm me. It's as if I can't let go, so those emotions remain attached. They still eat away at my inner sanctuary the longer I let this go on.

A friend made an analogy that it was as if I were a toy hidden in the closet. I would only be taken out of hiding when the other person felt it was safe and necessary. It was not a two-way street. There was no reciprocation. The toy would only be taken out when the other individual felt the need, needing that gratification, emotional support, or whatever they happened to use the toy for. It made my emotions feel inconsequential, even though they are apparent.

I can see certain triggers within me still firing my brain into a realm of extreme and debilitating anxiety. I would be thrust right back to the earth-shattering news that my higher consciousness flooded me with when it was time to awaken. Even though, in one breath, I say to myself that I've moved on, in another, I present myself with the same emotions that fired in the initial instant I found out. I've stuck in a loop where I move forward but then cycle right back to the initial emotion. It has a stranglehold on my emotional stability, and I never know when I'm going to snap backward.

Since psychology is inherent in my mind, there is a clear regression back to that state of consciousness, enabling me to instantly go right back to that night and feel the same feelings. This is the power of emotionally charged experiences. They create invisible scars in the mind that you can't see, but they become you. They become your personal reality. So, as I see the same person pull the same exact shit, it invokes the same emotions. Even though I can see the way out, I still feel trapped in the same routine. It's almost as if I'm addicted to the person and can't quit the habit. She slept with my best friend. Just that thought boils all the related negative emotions and spirals me into a dark corner where I feel all alone, disconnected from everything.

This has created the ultimate issue within me. I feel as though I can't trust myself. If I can't trust myself, that means I can't trust anyone else. I'm refusing to move forward, and it's creating a bottomless void of negativity within me. In these words, I look to face my demons, but I still find myself shying away when the moment strikes. I feel as though, as I type, I'm shedding light on the darkness, knowing that eventually I will come to an understanding.

The two people who hurt me the most, I can go through some type of cognitive-behavioral methodologies I slightly remember reading/learning about. I sit in a concentrated meditative posture, and when I bring them into singular focus, I focus on positive emotions instead of letting the negativity run wild. I do love them, after all, and remain eternally grateful for the experience that ensued. It did wake me up, after all. If I can keep up this practice, eventually, instead of the automatic response being negative, it should transform into positivity. That's what I'm hoping anyway. It's not easy. It feels like I'm going against nature, but really, I think it's natural to love. So maybe I've taught myself not to love (conditioned behavior), and now I'm trying to break the conditioning and move into a more unconditional state (which is love). Love should be unconditional. Before I was even born, my mother showed me unconditional love in the womb. She didn't have to try. It wasn't something that needed to be learned.

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