Why does everyone prefer that I hold back the potential lying dormant within me? Are they afraid of their own potential? Do they project onto me what they see in themselves, fearing the unknown? They fear the path of suffering, the idea that there's more to life than material possessions, and the possibility that what our eyes perceive is only a fraction of reality.
One of my friends pointed out that I acted "different" when on MDMA. But isn't that expected? The very purpose of a drug is to alter one's state, in one way or another. Why would anyone take a drug if it didn't change their feelings or perceptions? MDMA has helped me process a very traumatic experience. It's difficult to articulate, but something shifted inside me, making me realize that with love, I can face anything—even that which nearly destroyed me. Instead of shedding tears of pain, I now cry tears of gratitude. What once felt like a heavy burden now feels as light as a feather of joy. When I flip a coin, I understand that one side represents love and the other pain. For a time, my perceptions were dominated by pain. Now, I consciously choose to understand that without love, that pain wouldn't exist. Avoiding pain means also blocking out love. If I consistently approach love with the fear of pain, I'd miss out on the fundamental experiences life offers.
That's why I interpret people's advice to "hold back" as succumbing to their fears. They've conditioned themselves to steer clear of certain pains, and in doing so, they miss out on life's joys. I don't want to be trapped in a box. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm losing my grip, but in reality, my understanding is broadening. The boy I once was is evolving into a man. It's time for me to take full responsibility. I've deceived myself for too long.
To those who advise me to hold back, I believe they're afraid of losing themselves and embracing vulnerability. They resist breaking their conditioned patterns and prefer to remain confined. Undertaking this journey alone makes me feel powerless. This transformation requires a collective effort. On my own, the endeavor feels hollow. But united, we can reshape the world. As more of us liberate ourselves, the impact grows exponentially.
This was written on November 15, 2006